ariesaprl17

progress?

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 21:12:40 GMT

ok so ive realized that lately during the weekdays ive slipped back into my numb state, my brain constantly on vacation. i was like this all last semester and it could be back this week because ive been really busy. but even when i am feeling numb, seeing my friends makes me totally snap out of it, but like to the extreme. when i do go out and have fun i become really manic which my friends accept it now, but eventually they will become annoyed with it. like when i had the superbowl party i was talking constantly and over everyone else and talking about inappropriate things occasionally (which people tend to find funny, but still they shouldnt have been brought up like this thing i saw about sex dolls a while ago). but it has only been recently that i have been aware of the severity of it, and i know which situations it happens in but i had never been proactive about it until this past weekend. before it just kind of happened and i felt out of control, but ive noticed a pattern of situations and this weekend when i went to bethesda with kim before we left i prepared myself to act like a normal person. and it went really well i thought. well it was certainly an improvement. i stopped myself whenever i was about to talk over her, and even if i had something to say i waited for her to finish her thought first. i did ramble a little about stuff she probably doesnt care about, but being able to be aware as it was happening was a huge step for me. so what i learned from this is that i just need to be more aware and anticipatory of situations that i know are going to make me become very manic and prepare to stay calm and i think i can do it. ive noticed in general ive been very excitable and its hard for me to calm myself down, which makes me somewhat worried about my interview this wednesday. the whole event just has stress all around it. what if i dont make it to the airport in time? what if i get lost? what if the flight is cancelled? what if i dont get on the right T to make it in time? what if i cant calm myself down? what if i cant think of what to say? etc. etc. and now with snow in the forecast for tomorrow im extra worried that the flight might be delayed/ cancelled and if it is i will miss my interview and not get my money back for the flight. but really this is one of the few stressors in my life right now so i can deal. i think i will bring sudoku with me, that always makes me calm down or math or logic based problems helps me to calm down, and in my stress reduction strategies class we are learning how to relax but those things take longer than logic for me to be calm. if i just stay focused and keep from becoming over excited, i think the interview will go well. i am very qualified to go to northeastern and i know it so i should just stay confident. right now the biggest worry is the snow in the forecast for tomorrow... but theres no way of knowing the future so i just got to wait it out.

back from lj hibernation

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 01:08:07 GMT

so, theres really no need to talk about how the rest of 2007 went. it was crap, 'nough said.
but around the stroke of midnight 2008 my luck has seemed to change. the first three hours of 2008 were fabulous, and the high lasted about 24 hrs from that then it was back to reality. though, I've noticed that things are slowly starting to get better. I am trying to keep a good attitude, which is helping. there are many good things going on that I was missing with my negative attitude. I'm feeling alot happier about my job with the new positive attitude, however I still dread wednesdays b/c of it. tho at the last clinic meeting afterwards I was like you know, that meeting didnt go so well, but that is okay. things go on, nobody intends to hurt me with their criticism, but I feel them judging me b/c I'm not as good a therapist as they thought I would be I guess. and as for the other case, the only problem I have with them is that I can never go to the clinic meetings for her and I wonder if she thinks badly of me too. now that I've finally finished my trainings, they have to fill out an evaluation on me in order to get my raise, and I wonder if they know that I have been trying my hardest. the evaluation worries me but that stress will be over soon enough as it will be happening this week. I just need to stop thinking about it and go with the day by day.
school starts tomorrow and I am taking a stress reductions class that will hopefully help. I want to buy a happy light (if i can afford it) and I am going to make an effort to better my life in general. I need to stop being so depressed. I need to figure out my life. I think id be happier if I just figured out my life, what it is, and where it's going. Maybe if I could make sense of the past, it would make the present and future a little easier. I should stop thinking of myself as a damaged person, but I really cant see how I'm not. I usually dont do new years resolutions, but I think that I will go see the school psychologist as a resolution.
the thing that bothers me is, that I'm happy so few times that when I am actually happy I overdo it and act like I'm insane. thats not how I really am 90% of the time. I'm a pretty relaxed person, its just that I don't ever go out, or do anything fun so when I do, I get over excited which tends to give people the wrong impression of me I think. I don't know how to stop it. I feel like I can't control myself and end up regretting everythign I said later on and that makes me upset with myself, which doesnt help with the low self esteem.
some things that have made me happy this week: having some time to think about life, someone I randomly met at a party a while ago friended me on facebook and we have been talking and he is really deep and we are both searching for something in our lives and it gives me comfort to talk to him (too bad hes moving to california) , and also jason and I went out to lunch today completely unexpected I called christina for lunch and she said jasons here lets all go, it was good to see him, i missed talking to him, he was a great friend. tho I stopped to wonder if I should accept his refriending request on facebook. I thought about how all the times Ive forgiven men and how that has screwed me over. I think I will accept his request, but I'm still thinking about what I think about forgiving. so far there are only 2 people I have not forgiven, and probably will never forgive - fred and gary. I mean I guess I could semi forgive if a time came when I felt being friends with either of them would be worthwhile, I would still in the back of my mind remember what they have done to me. well, all I can do for now is be optimistic and hope that 2008 will have leap year luck just like 2004 which was like the best year of my life (in retrospect).

first weekend home- why is alcohol in america more fun?

Sun, 20 May 2007 22:58:28 GMT

so i had been really depressed since i got back from europe for some reason. maybe cause i hadnt really acted like myself since like january. anyways, so friday i hung out with keri and that was fun. then i went off into boston and laura, vinsu and 2 of vinsus roommates and i went to a middle eastern restaurant which was good. then we met up with michaele and saw shrek 3 which was funny but not my favorite one. it was nice to see everyone and catch up. then michaele suggested we do something since its not always we are all together, so we played drunken snoopy monopoly. i was surprised cause i won, and i usually hate monopoly and lose horribly. the only monopoly i had was boardwalk and park place, but i bankrupted people by putting hotels on it hahaha. anyways, it was alot of fun. good to be myself again, even if vinsus roommates looked at me like i was crazy half the time. so i woke up and barely made the train back, took a shower then was off to kimballs apartment in waltham. besides the sketchy neighborhood it was nice. he is paying super cheap to live there and its a big apartment. it even has a spiraly staircase haha. so we went to a chinese buffet place which was yummy and then watched many episodes of family guy that he had tivoed. then we went to the store and got frozen pizza and some booze. why is buying alcohol in america so much more fun? i dunno but i got some parrot bay and was very happy at the diff kinds of parrot bay there were. there was also a passion fruit one but i got the coconut. stinks that alcohol is more expensive in america. but anyways, parrot bay cant get me wasted. its not strong enough. its more of a social drinking/ good tasting alcohol for me. but anyways, then chris' girlfriend came over and she was super nice and good looking. i really liked her. but then she insisted that we go see her friends new apartment in boston and that it would be like a 10 min drive. we were driving around downtown boston for almost an hour trying to find the place, and she was one of the scariest drivers ive ever been in the car with. but i got back safe. she hit a car when she was getting out of the parallel parking and drove off. lovely. so we get back and just watch some tv for a while and then chris' girlfriend leaves, and goes to the ex boyfriends house which pissed chris off to no end. chris was nice enough to give me his bed which was cool of him. when we woke up we watched movies together. laid in the same bed and both fell asleep haha. cause i had only gotten like 6 hrs of sleep during the night. i had this wierd dream about chris that was one of those dreams that when you wake up you actually think happened. could have been the alcohol but anyways, it was alot of fun visitng chris. i spent over 24 hrs with him haha.

i have to go to dc tomorrow to look at an apartment. the last thing i want to do is get on a plane when ive been flying constantly for the past 4 months. ugh airport security and those tiny ass seats. i better like this apartment and get it for what im putting myself through to go down there. but anyways, living alone will be nice i think, especailly when the school is just a short walk away. and also not living in somebodys random basement where i cant be loud and prolly wouldnt be allowed to have visitors. so i hope itll all work out for the best and this flight will be worth it. i guess we will see!

yay for last day of classes!

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 19:10:48 GMT

so today was my last day of classes, which went well cause most of the teachers brought in food, or let us out early, or we had evaluations. yay. it is an exciting day for me cause that means only tests. well one more paper, but i dont think it will be that bad.
HOME NEXT WEEK WOOT!
this weekend is going to be good tho, my last one in dc, finally i will get to go out places!! friday im going to the movies with cristina, saturday katie is having a dinner party/ maybe iceskating, and sunday i might have dinner with christina. amazing. i think im going to try and see if i can wake up in enough time to go to eastern market on saturday cause i hear its cool and ive been wanting to go there.
on a gary note, you know i always feel like i am totally freaking him out and scaring the crap out of him... and then he says the most amazing things. like we were talking about exes and sex and penises, and hes just like um wow youre ... open... he didnt sound too comfortable with it so i was like great, once again ive scared the crap out of him. but then he posted on my facebook wall something like you need to hurry up and come home cause we are going to have tons of fun. and then i realize that everythings okay. his hours at work might be a little um sucky (2pm-10pm) but thats okay, im nocturnal when im home anyways lol. before i got a job this summer i was staying out till 5am most days. between his work schedule and hanging out with bossardett till 5am again, im seriously going to become nocturnal lol. maybe that will be good for jet lag tho? i dunno maybe it will make it worse im thinking... 5am america is 11am europe haha. so maybe not so much. im just not going to sleep 24 hrs before i get on the plane so i will actually sleep haha. i have stuff to do during the daytime anyways, like get together my stuff for europe and buy random stuff i need, tho i am almost done with that.
well the outlook is looking pretty good from here. the most of the stress is over somewhat. *big sigh* today im taking the day off, cause ive done enough in the past few weeks. itll be a good day off! but then to study for finals...

tempting thingy... its been a while since ive done one of these

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 01:18:52 GMT

001. Initials:
DC

002. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
nobody, my birthday is too cool to share with anyone

003. N/A
?

004. For or against same sex marriage:
For

005. When I say Shotgun! You say?:
loser

006. Last person(s) you hugged?:
hmm cristina, my family, kimball, gary, some random people

007. Do you believe in God?:
eh its a tossup, every day i believe less and less tho

008. How many U.S states have you been to?:
um crap. i gotta list then count. lets start from the top shall we? maine, vermont, new hampshire, massachusetts, rhode island, connecticut, new york, pennsylvania, new jersey (unfortunately), delaware, maryland, DC, virginia, north carolina, south carolina, georgia, florida. i think thats 17... maybe i forgot a state i dunno

009. How many of the U.S states have you lived in:
MA, DC and soon to be MD

010. Ever lived outside of the US:
im a leavin soon to do that :D

011. Name something you like physically about yourelf:
my boobs are fucking awesome

013. Who is your best friend?:
oh i have alot of great friends, but best id prolly have to say debs

014. Why are you still up?:
its 7:44 pm and im bored off my ass

015. Who made you angry today?:
stupid graduate student in my translation class i want to throw something at her

016. Favorite type of Food?:
um i love food. the end. tho if you want to get technical... indian, italian, latin, spanish, durna kebab, sushi and more!

017. Favorite holiday:
its a 3 way tie between my birthday, thanksgiving and xmas. forget my birthday and i will hurt you.

018. Do you download music:
hell yes

019. What illegal things have you done?:
ummmmm i plead the 5th... hehe

020. Are you shy?:
only in situations when im uncomfortable

021. Would you date the person the posted this?:
yea, i thought we were going to until she left me for this other girl *tear*

022. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?:
yep, i love it when people do that

024. Do you like Bush?:
last time i checked i wasnt retarted

025. Have you ever bungee jumped?:
no but i really want to, that and sky diving. i went parasailing tho that was fucking awesome.

026. Have you ever been white-water rafting?:
nope

027. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?:
i once dated someone who looked 20 years older than me but was actually my own age.

028. How much money ya got?:
well if you count how much im going to spend in europe... nothin

029. Have you met a real redneck?:
yep, too many. i friggin hate rednecks. ignorant bastards

030. How is the weather right now:
friggin cold out. it snowed in my hometown today, tho not in dc. like 2 days ago it was 70...in fucking december... and people think global warming is a lie!

031.What are you listening to right now:
nothin but lately ive been listenin to my new red hot chili peppers cd, and alot of love songs incidentally

032. What is your current fav song?
hmm thats a toughie, tossup between hard to concentrate and chasing cars

033. What was the last movie you watched?:
love actually (yay i fixed my dvd player cause im wicked smaht!)

034. Do you wear contacts:
i could never put something in my eye... i have glasses and sure i look good in them but i like to pretend that im not blind. i also faked my way through the eye test for the drivers licence... hehe makes you feel safe doesnt it?

035. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
the tavern, i friggin cant wait till i never have to eat there again!

036. What are you afraid of?:
being alone, and dying by way of loss of air (i.e. drowning, choking etc)

037. How many piercing's/tattoos do you have?:
i used to have pierced ears but only cause my mom forced me to, so in middle school i stopped wearing earrings

038. How many pets do you have:
none, tho i have funny frog owner stories. i want a puppy *tear*

039. What's one thing you've learned?:
anything thats difficult is worthwhile, and that you should always be yourself... tho at times i tend to not remember these lessons

041. What do you usually order from Starbucks:
mocha frappuccino mmm

042. Have you ever fired a gun:
no im not a big fan of guns, unless being used to hunt. i friggin hate paintball

043. Are you missing someone?:
yep

044. Fav. TV show?:
seinfeld. i am elaine.

045. Do you have an ipod?:
yea, it took me forever to give in to the trend tho cause i hate apple with a passion

046. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?:
nope, but i look hot regardless : )

048. Who would you like to see right now?:
debbie and gary... but im seeing them both soon so its all good! : )

049. Favorite movie of all time?:
unfair question. i love way too many movies to pick a favorite.

050. Do you find yourself loved?:
only when im in MA

051. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?:
cause of the friggin snow i got caught bringing a guy to the house. only reason they knew he came was cause of footprints. damnit. haha that made a great story for my comedy class essay tho, so no worries.

052. Favorite flower:
i LOVE getting one red rose. just one, no dozen. and i like to put it in skyy vodka bottles cause they are pretty blue.

053. Butter, plain, Kettle, or salted popcorn?:
kettle corn tastes like shit. extra extra extra movie butter, and NO SALT!!

054. What Magazines are you reading:
when im home i read Time

055. Have you ever ridden in a limo:
yes, to my brothers birthday party and to my prom. *sigh* prom... good times

056. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?:
my grandmother

058. What's something that really bugs you?:
alot of really dumb things bug me. like the girl who ate halves of grapes for example... yes i like live in seinfeld. seinfeld is my life.

059. Do you love someone now?:
ummmmmmm

060. Do you like Michael Jackson?:
thriller was good, but hes really freaky now...

061. Whats your favorite smell?:
men lol. i miss the smell of boy mmmmmmm

062. Favorite basketball team:
im just gonna say AU for school pride reasons. plus they have some friggin tall people on the team, like 7 feet... even 7 foot women which is scary.

063. Favorite cereal:
um this cereal that you can barely even find in stores cause its very european but its like granola stuck together in clumps with rasins

064. Do you drive:
fuck yea. if i couldnt drive i would kill myself. im taking my baby to dc with me in june!!

065. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep?:
any time i fly to europe lol. i cant friggin sleep on a plane. and i lose track of time so i dunno how many hours. tho this one time i pulled an all nighter so maybe the most ive been awake is a day and a half

066. Last time you went bowling?:
thanksgiving break. woot me and kimball. hopefully ill get to go glow bowling over xmas break, even though its expensive.

067. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?:
im not really good at sleeping in wierd places. tho i guess the wierdest place ive slept was on a field in germany with like 2 million other people i think it was.

068. Who was your last phone call?:
gary

069. Last time you were at work?:
august haha

070. Whats your favorite state to be in:
MA definatley. its where i feel the love! cant wait to come home and see everyone again!

casa #6

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 05:30:56 GMT

wednesday of this past week i translated a poem by this poet Otoniel Guevara, and got to read it at his poetry reading; amazing experience. one of my fellow classmates tranlsated this poem however, and it really spoke to me, especially in my solitude, and with my solitude coming to a close soon i felt it needed to be posted as a memoir of this past semester.

Casa #6

Nadie toca a la puerta de mi casa

Las mariposas entran en silencio
con cierta danza de mujer conmovida

La lluvia penetra hasta las raíces de los árboles

A veces
los niños tocan el timbre
y huyen

Me gustaría que alguien
una tarde
-huyendo del mundo-
derribara la puerta de mi casa

Sería hermoso compartir
tan adusta soledad

new phone ringtone

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 16:44:18 GMT

i find it really sad that it excites me when someone calls my phone. when the phone actually rang it scared the shit out of me last night cause it hasnt rang in like a month at least. when i got my new ringtone i was waiting for someone to call it and i realized nobody has called me in like forever. thats okay tho, im going home soon and then people will call me :D

oh and also, ive been happy recently because i figured out what kind of degree i want to get. (theres so many for psychology you dont even know my pain in trying to figure this out) after a year of thinking, ive decided i dont want to get my phd unless i get into GWU's PsyD program. i really want to get my MA in counseling. it would only be a 2 year program, and so i wouldnt have to worry about finding an area of the country i would want to live for the next 7 years; i can go wherever they have a good program that fits what i want to do. And i wouldnt have to stress myself out on having massive amounts of internships and research. i looked at some MA in counseling programs and they really are what i want to do. it just fits me. my mom is probably going to be pissed about me not getting a PhD cause thats what ive been talking about for the past year, but i realized even though it would be nice to have a PhD, that is alot of work and i dont know if i could handle it, plus i wouldnt get in right away unless i stressed myself out right now. so now i feel like so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and im feelin good about the future! now only if they put out a book like the phd one i have that said all the masters programs in psychology! there actually is one and its at my library but its from 1997 which is almost 10 years ago, but it might help. ill try. yay for me figuring out what i want to do!

2 more days till i go home sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!

woot

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 22:07:09 GMT

yay i got through thursday! now all i gotta do is get through monday cause all my papers were pushed back so its not gonna be crunchtime this weekend like i thought it would! so test tomorrow, and 2 on monday then home!! yay :D this week has been busy so its gone by kind of slow, but since things are loosened up i hope time will go by a little faster. then once i come back 2 more weeks then home, xmas and europe!! *huge grin*

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 00:11:06 GMT

song that describes how i feel about someone at the moment:

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.

its almost over

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 21:54:53 GMT

can i just say yay its finally november! this friggin semester is almost done woo hoo. i get to go home in a few weeks too. exciting. the weather was really nice again today. thats about the only good thing going on in dc. lol

clock is ticking...

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 23:48:26 GMT

so yay i got the volunteer job at the adoption agency, but i was too late for the other babysitting job. hmm well maybe someone will let me babysit their kids for these 2 months without many references... well whatever, i dont care cause im going to baltimore and nyc this weekend. yay it will be nice to go out and have fun! hopefully ill get to see laura in nyc too. just stinks that fall break is only 3 days this year... ugh i have a midterm on monday. gross.

didnt realize it had been so long since i updated

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 21:23:02 GMT

so things are starting to look up. i never got sick and im finding more possible places to work at. gosh i cant believe its october already, the time flies. got to go to the premier of the movie employee of the month with dane cook for free! mm he is so hot. i was cracking up the entire movie! unfortnately midterms are soon so lots of work to do in the near future. next weekend i am thinking about going to nyc. awesome, i havent been there in a while. well future is looking bright. ta ta for now!

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 02:55:55 GMT

so its been a downhill week. i feel on the verge of sickness, my head is killing me and ive been sleeping most of the days away. this week ive also managed to piss alot of people off. but w/e, its the weekend now, and if this paper wasnt killing me id be off doing something semi entertaining. tonight i finally got to have an omlett yummy, and i got to go to bucas with jennifer who i havent seen in like forever. she is like my twin i never met haha. we still share alot in common and i just enjoy being around her, its too bad she is always busy with stuff. she's such a fun friend. hopefully ill see more of her in the future after her thesis winds down. monday apparently is yom kippur or some jewish holiday so yay classes cancelled! excting stuff. anyways im tired so ta ta.

IM GOING TO MADRID!!

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 16:17:50 GMT

Im fucking going to europe for 5 months!!! wooooot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! leaivn in january for england then madrid!! super excied, cant wait to find out the dates so i can get some plane tickets! cristinas having a party tonight. i have a feeling today is gonna be an okay day :D

tired day

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 23:57:35 GMT

well today was interesting. got up early for the interview for an ABA job, it went well i wasnt stuttering or nervous (maybe i was too tired to be) so that is a plus, tho i dont want to work weekend mornings so i turned it down. maybe i can work with her in the future. cute little boy. so then i watched some greys anatomy and cristina and i went to see the "last kiss" with zack braff. I GOT CARDED. wow that hasnt happened in forever, i was almost confused. lol. when youre almost 21 you dont really want to get carded for looking like youre not 17 yet. ha. i was supposed to go to a bonfire, but realized i didnt want to stay up all night and so i stayed in friendship heights. i finally went into the world market store and found a TON of food from all different countries, and spent 20 bucks but oh well, good food :) debbie will be glad to know that i found a few different kinds of pate (no meat tho) those hazlenut wafer thingies, some indian food, those gummie things that you like, and some rose flavored candies from france. i wanted to buy alot more but i decided that i should be reasonable. oh they also had pocky too incase i need anymore yay! but anyways now im back in the room watching yet more greys anatomy (im on disk 4 out of 6 now!) k im out.

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 18:27:56 GMT

my life is more "interesting" than i can handle right now. updates to be posted later.

labor day

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 02:22:32 GMT

great day. this is why i have all my classes on 2 days a week so that when there is that day off i pretty much get the whole week off. but seriously floating on cloud nine because of my day. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, this is going to be a good semester for sure :)
"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

--Henry David Thoreau

(thought i was due for a shorter post haha)

wont you take me to funkytown?

Sun, 07 May 2006 20:41:05 GMT

so yea, things havent changed much here. but since my parents came and took my stuff, the realization of going home is starting to sink in. this makes me totally care free. i have been so super happy recently and under the same situation as always. i just dont care about amy and jason anymore or not having friends, and it feels sooooo good to not care. im just my happy random perky self again. god it feels good to be me again. that depression was killing me. when i think about going home i cant help but just smile. first stop of cource is to visit debbie before shes leaving me to go to italy. im so jealous! but i know we will have a fun day, cause debbie and i could be apart for years and never miss a beat, which is one of the things that makes our relationship super awesome! then im goin to see fred on his beautiful house by the lake with the mountain mmm. and we are going to get some dunkies!!!!! wooo i missed that. and since im not depressed anymore and am acting like my normal self, fred and i are better. i like having him as a friend too, hes always been there for me. then i get to go home and see all my other friends. i need this little mini vacation tho to visit my most favorite people ever hehe! ive sent out a bunch of emails to places, and hopefully ill find a job soon that has to do with psychology but if not, WHATEVER, im just in a carefree mood the past couple days. i just want to see my friends and live my life. im gonna live my life double this summer for those stupid republicans who have no life. ill live theirs for them too haha. goals for this summer maybe go to nantucket, visit newport a few times, maybe go back to the vinyahd. oh and def go visit vinsu in boston and get to know it again. la la la not a care in the world, this is how i used to be and it was oh so good, and carefree danielle is back and it feels soooooooooooooo good. leaving dc is bittersweet tho, i love this city and its always sad for classes to end cause i enjoy them. i miss my friends sooo much tho and i cant wait to see them!! peace out!

poetry

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 01:41:18 GMT

i found this poem, and it really touched me... especially cause its been pouring all day and ive been lonely. the begining part is the best.

over my head the dark clouds are swollen and begin to cry
i try to reach and heal its eyes but i cannot touch the sky
like everything else its so far away
surrounded by complete darkness, awaiting a better day
in a place so empty yet filled with lies attracting pain
i run far far away and try to hide, but my eyes split open unveiling the shame
the wounds unconcealed the bruises unhealed, everything for all to see revealed
theres a sickness breeding and brooding inside of my mind
my head cracks like concrete with headaches cause of its kind
so many minds and lives it affects from day to day including mine
each day with so much to think about and what seems infinite time
i feel the pain of loss in a different form, my heart shattered to dust
blown away never to return because of the lust
the hidden hatred flows through my veins, too many friends to let down
something or someone to snap the echoing sound
i guess like all this, the battle starts inside of me
the key to happiness like all are held within, find it unlock the door and be set free

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 21:12:26 GMT

ha! things couldnt get any worse... well at that point i was still depressed. since then i have gotten over my depression of being single realizing that i have many wonderful friends who love me here. or so i figured. you know when amy told me that she and jason werent dating i trusted her. but if someone tells you theyre not gonna eat a cookie and theyve got a plate of cookies in their hand, the evidence sometimes outweighs the words, no matter how much you trust the person. and plus ive only known amy since like november or december, i dont think thats grounds for me totally putting all my trust into her, in a situation where ive been burned by people that ive trusted for years. and the fact that all friday's capcon dinner they were flirting like mad and running off with eachother really makes me think hmm maybe theyre lying to me? cause you know jason just recently broke my trust by fucking telling amy that i was bisexual without asking me. wasnt really his secret to tell. so when theyre all over eachother, and the rest of the people in the group watch them run off together and say wow i give them a few weeks before they start going out, and one kid in the group actually claims that jason told him that they were going to go out. you start to think about how much you trust them. i confront them about it and they flip out being like oh i cant believe you dont trust us, that hurts. and then they come to my room and i ask them to sit on opposite sides of the other bed (couch) and they say oh but theres a pillow in between us dont be silly danielle. by the end of the movie the pillow was gone and her head was on his shoulder? seriously if that does happen again im kicking them out. then they have the nerve to team up on me later on and get upset that i dont believe them AND THEN go out to dinner together the next day, AND THEN amy blows off our brunch plans and comes to MY FLOOR to eat dinner without inviting me or even stopping by to say hi. like they didnt talk to me the whole weekend. i was infuriated. and so after i flipped out at jason and talked to him for a while on the phone, amy decided to call me monday morning, i didnt pick up because i was like shes not talked to me all weekend why should i pick up now? so then she texted me saying do you want to go to dinner. i had an anxiety attack all class because you know i had wanted to talk to amy about stuff. i show up and theres jason standing there with her at tdr i should have figured. then, i really was kind of out of it, but they didnt even TRY to talk to me i mean geez. they sat there the two of them chatting away about stuff i knew nothing about, didnt ask me one question NOT EVEN ARE YOU OKAY. geez and so monday night i had a long chat with amy online which was probably for the best. now i dont know if i can be friends with her anymore, i am just so hurt by her actions in the past however long. she expects me to trust her and then she does stuff that just makes me want to kill myself, and so therefore i dunno. i cant put up with this anymore. especially if shes going to be best friends with jason, i dunno if i can take it. sentiment for now is just whatever, im getting on with my day with people who are really my friends.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 03:39:08 GMT

Because I drank it all!!!
(Just don't wake me up tomorrow.)

Why is the rum gone?
brought to you by Quizilla

remember the good times

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 02:04:25 GMT

just some memories i found of good times at my shows :D
Stephen Lynch was fucking awesome (and hot :-D)
"...and also i have herpes..."
"if i could be a superhero i would be backstage chick!/ i would be dislexic yob"
"go and download my music"
ah and the impressions, dmb, cartman and the like

ah and memories with fred:
want 2 tickets to the gun show?
first it said lotion, then it said body lotion... it was soup!... oh 20Q how i love thee :-)
-why are the clouds white? -because i came in the sky.

this is the start of something good, dont you agree?

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 23:15:46 GMT

never thought i could be this happy without a bf. i mean yea i wish i had a bf, but im doing okay. my roommate moved out so i got the whole room to myself for the moment. no tv tho, which has been the best blessing because i havent been procrastinating. im ahead in my work and joined a few new groups that ive always wanted to but have been scared. i joined pep band finally and im excited to see how that turns out, and im part of capital conservatives now too. i also am trying to start a musical group to play at the night mass. its not going well so far but ill keep praying on it and maybe some people will join. the weather has been freakishly nice. all my friends are so wonderful, i couldnt ask for any better friends! ive been getting out and around town and not locking myself in my room and talking on the phone. also im going back to orlando with amy for spring break! that seems like it will be fun! how could it not? theres palm trees in florida haha. looks like i will get to go home for the summer again too which im happy about. fred has some money now so he can pay me back, and he is coming to visit for the weekend before valentines day. so its not like i wont have a vday this year either. im really happy. things seem to be going well. oh and im super excited for debbie now that she has a real good boyfriend. tho i cant help but feel a twinge of jealousy. nothing i cant control tho, i still am so happy for her. christmas break was awesome too, minus all the drama with fred. he went to florida and so i hung out with all the friends ive been neglecting and realized how much i missed them. i also got so much closer with my family and for once talked to my brother. its funny how family is always there for you in times of need no matter waht youve done to them in the past. jellybean is still alive and getting me from point a to b. i couldnt really ask for anything more right now. im so happy with my life, and for once my relationship with God is good too. ive been praying on a regular basis and im getting more involved with the church. it would be nice if things could stay this good. the only thing that could be going better was if i met the love of my life hahaha. but we cant have it all can we?! heh. ive got fred right now and thats all i can really ask for especially with everything else going so well. for now im just gonna appreciate everything i have.

as the semester comes to a close, i will never forget prof riley

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 00:44:44 GMT

ive had some crazy ass teachers this year. one who taught glbta rights all year in a latin american history class, and a 12 yr old looking spanish teacher who was from new orleans and didnt give a shit about us. then there was brenner's sociology the family, the class i wanted to take and ended up hating. that speaks for itself. and then there was my philosophy prof, erfani. i was dreading that class but it ended up being one of the best classes i ever took thanks to him. he shows that not believing in tests or homework, you can still teach people amazing things. he is also responsible for the downfall of my religiocity, but oh well, ive become wiser all the more from his class. and then there was psych 115, which i was dreading as well because its the most failed class at au but somehow so far i think im doing okay, minus the fact that i havent studied for my big test tomorrow cause its my name day and i want to celebrate it. haha. that guy is the funniest guy ever. it was amusing coming to class. so thank you prof riley (ironically head of the psych dep. so maybe ill see him again) for a wonderful 4 months of copulation dances, raping and scarily waking up students with "booga booga" and hoping your exwife rots in hell. these are some quotes on the daily jolt, may they forever live in our memory of you. haha

"The gayness is not always easy to determine."
-- Prof. Riley, Darwinism, on a researcher's study of gay men

"You haven't had marijuana until you've had government marijuana."
-- Professor Riley; Psyc 115, Psychology as a Natural Scinece

"What the fuck is dark energy?!?"
-- Professor Riley, Psychology as a Natural Science

"(deep inhale) That government weed is some good shit, much better than the stuff you guys smoke."
--Professor Riley, Psych as a Natural Science

"Here you have a praying mantis. They don't have brains. It's more like a little glob of spit."
-- Professor Riley, Psych as a Natural Science

"Now I love this picture of BF Skinner because I think he looks like a pigeon."
-- Prof Riley. psych as a natural science talking about studies

"You're all fucking useless!"
- Professor Riley, Psychology as a Natural Science

"How many of you have seen March of the Penguins?" If after seeing that movie any of you still believe in intelligent design you're fucking nuts. These little bastards have to waddle like this *imitates waddling* for months just to get laid. God's perfect plan my ass."
-- Professor Tony Riley, Psyc 115: Psychology as a Natural Science

"We don’t know shit. You can write that down."
-- Prof Riley, Psych as a Natural Science

"A man will have sex with just about anything that walks. Show of hands?"
-- Dr. Tony Riley, Psyc as a Natural Science on evolutionary psychology

"And by the way, one of my students showed me this daily jolt dot com website, and you guys… you’re all bastards! Do I REALLY say those things? I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop. I don’t know which one of you is doing this, but I’m gonna find you.”
-- Prof. Tony Riley, Psych. as a Natural Science

bob saget

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 16:51:21 GMT

bob saget is one funny mother fucker. i went to his comedy thing as a joke but he was really funny. its just funny to hear him swear and talk about full house and all the other things he did. he did alot of bad cameos in movies saying random stuff. he sold out the place. there was like an hour and a half of shitty opening acts but w/e. he was great. he even sang and played guitar haha. i got some of it on video. like "danny tanner is not gay" and he really involved the audience asking who shaved their nuts and lit farts on fire. haha. its just sooo wrong that he was such a family icon for so long when this is how he acts in real life. "you grew up with me, now go down with me" stuff like that just so wrong. i got some video but its kind of muffly. i got also his pseudo aristocrat joke at the end and him explaining it to everyone saying "i fucking told you nobody would find this funny". but yea oh man greatful for this week cause of all the events so far and yet to come

also found out that dane cook was adding another show to his tour and guess where it is?! UMD! so yea i got tickets to that, duh, and fred might be coming down for it to dunno yet. only thing is its open seating and no cameras which blows. and its really far away too. but yea, seeing dane cook is allllll worth it. woot woot! im pumped that is dec. 1st yea!

i am greatful for all the things i get to do in this lovely capitol city of the us of a!

thanksgiving is coming up!